how will i tell my parents they raised a scared child?
the future is scary, or did I just grow up scared?
There is one thing that I am certain about myself: I am scared. One moment I was scared about my scores in my exams until it turned to worries about my future until everything else followed. Maybe, just maybe… that’s the consequence of following what my parents’ wants. In my entire life, I only want to be a good daughter to them. But did they do a good job as my parents?
I can still vividly remember how excited I was when I figured out I was fond of writing. I was over the moon and that was the only time I could feel the burning passion in me. However, my dearest burning passion was burnt right in front of my eyes. I know to myself that I can use words but I just can’t defend myself that time.
They had no idea that I was striving so hard to pursue my growth on my own; they should have helped me water it but they just cut it off like it didn’t matter, like my dreams didn’t matter.
“Hindi mo pwedeng kunin ang kursong ‘yon.”
One sentence and it struck me. Are my dreams invalid just because it is different from theirs? Am I not allowed to do what my entire being tells me to do? Do I have to walk on a path that isn’t even mine to begin with?
Right, why do I even bother when I am ready to pursue the passion that calls me and they want me to choose practicality?
Ma, Pa, I know you’re having a hard time but your last and only card is not doing well anymore.
‘Pwede pala ‘yon. Pagkatapos mong malaman ang gusto mo, saka ka mawawalan ng ideya kung anong kasunod na mangyayari.’ That’s what I thought.
Ipa-park ko muna ang mga sarili kong pangarap. Hindi ko muna ipipilit kahit gustong-gusto kong abutin na ngayon. At kapag handa na ako, babalikan ko ito at sisiguruhing iba-byahe patungo sa kalsada ng tagumpay.
I am still scared, my dearest parents. But just so you know, I am fighting for the sake of my desire to give you the life that we deserve. I am in the middle of the path you chose for me and just in case I make it one day, I hope you are waiting for me at the end of the finish line. I hope you are still beside me.
But somewhere deep down in my heart, I just wonder if you allowed me to go after my own dreams, will I not grow up scared?
I got myself because I have no choice. All along, while you were busy raising and giving me what you thought was the best for me, I was busy raising myself and pushing a constant reminder to still go for what I truly wanted even if my insides were shaking from fear.
Will this message of mine be sent to the two of you? Just the thought of it and I am lowkey scared.
This is dedicated to every dreamer who has to choose practicality over passion. Your dreams matter, you matter. :)
