My mood is better today. I got to walk 2hrs to my friend's workplace. I honestly needed that walk as it kept my mind occupied. Got an Orea shake from BK and it was all sloshy. My friend played PlateUp and then she let me play Tetris on her laptop. She also bought me MC Java/Bedrock!! It made me veerryyy happy. I am, however, struggling with downloading the launcher. Even though today wasn't bad, I can't shake the thoughts away. I am doing so well with coping healthily, but my bad habits are spiriling around me. I hate it. Oh my goodness I hate getting too emotional, but here I am. I was okay just a second ago. I was doing so well. I want to be alone. I can't get better. I want to get better. Nothing about me has changed. What is worse is that I have no actual mental support. Haven't seen a therapist in months. I am messing up my life. I am rotting. I hope that when I go to sleep, I will never wake up. In there my dreams are so vibrant. There is no self-deprecation because I have no conscious of who I truly am. Everyone else... there is no such thing as sad bitterness and grief. My loved ones are always smiling. But not in reality. Everyday I manage to fail. Yes I am very weak. I wish I could describe this in a more descriptive manner. I can't reach out to anyone about my authentic emotions anymore. Not even my best friends. Not even the person who knows every single detail about me. I can't. I just want to sit on the steps of my porch and weep; contemplate about life. I can't though because it's literally past midnight and this state is known for mass trafficking. I write poems. I write a lot -- not the greatest ones to be honest. They get lost. Here is one that I haven't sent to the archives yet:

"My deep sorrow goes beneath the buttressed walls
I've forsaken my wails and calls
A sacred part of me seems too distant
As the recollection of my trampled soul goes missing
Am I alive or am I dead
Is this world a solidified hologram
Or is it a solitary confinement? Who knew love can tear 1 and 2 apart
while I rot here clutching the remains
of my bisected heart."

July 1, 2024

My heart throbs. I just want confort. I lost my shelter. Hell, I really thought I could be a healthier version of myself. I don't want to relive March and be selfish. Fuck it. Every good thing that happened between us is gone. I have to not care anymore. I hate caring, but it's so easy. I am not able to escape the nostalgic past. I wish I was a better person to myself. For now, I stay brokenhearted.