So Pope John Paul II made an appearance in a bonfire lit near his birthplace in Poland to observe the second anniversary of his death. A photographer caught the flames in a pose that looked like a silhouette of the elderly pope waving to his flock.
Of sheep. In other news, I just saw a cloud that bore a strong resemblance to Jim Morrison on the cover of “L.A. Woman,” and there’s a pile of dog poop in Riverside Park that looks startlingly like Richard Nixon. Hey, they’ve counted out Tricky Dick before.
The pope-in-flames picture was reported with a straight face last week by news outlets such as Britain’s The Telegraph and Reuters. Father Jarek Cielecki, a Polish priest and friend of John Paul II who led the memorial service, gave the picture his, er, blessing. “You can see the image of a person in the flames and I think it is the servant of God, Pope John Paul II,” he told the press.
I smell the Miracle of Our Lady of Photoshop, but let’s assume the picture is genuine. How is it a miracle? Is this the best an all-powerful God can do? I’d rather have Him heal the sick or end war. I’d also rather have a coupon for some Chicken McNuggets and a Diet Coke. What do I do with a picture of a papal bonfire? I guess I’ll put it on my wall next to the picture of that cross of steel beams that turned up in the wreckage of Ground Zero as a shrine to misguided signs.
The seriousness that attended the death of a great leader is morphing into Franklin Mint idolatry of John Paul II, and you may remember that’s a no-no if your religious studies took you as far as the First Commandment.
You can buy JP II cufflinks, a “handcrafted” plastic bust or enough JP II plates to reenact the Last Supper. Romegiftshop.com sells a “John Paul II & Four Basilicas of Rome Walnut Wood Wall Cross with Free Pope Postcard and Free Luminous Rosary.” The pope – on a cross! Are we forgetting who earned that spot?
Thanks to a church official who is leading the bid to beatify and canonize the late pope, you can acquire a fragment of JP II’s clothing through the Diocese of Rome Web site. A group of nuns (cough – sweatshop! – cough) is cutting up the pope’s cassocks and attaching a dot of clothing to each of thousands of cards, which are being sent free to anyone who writes in with a genuine (-sounding) plea for help with a sick loved one. (The shredded clothes are called “ex indumentis.”)
“The more fragments we supply, the less fraud there will be,” reasoned Don Marco Fibbi, a spokesman for the diocese, who added that contributions are welcome to defray postage costs.
Great news for the fraudsters: now that there are known to be genuine, church-sanctioned quasi-relics on the market, the suckers will be fruitful and multiply. (If you are completely missing my point and want a papal swatch, go to vicariatusurbis.org and click on the picture of the pope.)
In Paris, a play about JP II includes a dramatic scene of the Berlin Wall busting open in 1989. Into the breach steps the pope, together with Mikhail Gorbachev. Which turns the pope into a warrior like Henry V, or maybe the Thing in “Fantastic Four,” a guy who likes to burst through walls hollering, “It’s clobberin’ time!” In reality, the pope didn’t even show up in Berlin until 1996, when the only fragments of Wall left were being retained on purpose in memory of the fallen.
Popes are supposed to be mortal; if they start returning from the grave to appear at every Arby’s and Costco (“Can I get a pontiff check in Aisle Three?”), then they begin to compete with the Holy Trinity. And why would the pope show up not in church but a bonfire – originally a pagan ritual to ward off evil spirits?
The process of perceiving significance in something vague – an oil slick or a Beatles record played backwards – is called pareidolia. Imagination is a wonderful thing. Call it a gift from the Creator. But seeing the Virgin in a grease stain or buying yourself a Pope on a Rope isn’t going to make you a more loyal servant of Christ. If God exists, He doesn’t run any souvenir shops. When high officials in the church encourage people to pray to rags and promote the bonfire of the inanities, they hasten the decline of Catholicism in the educated West. Do they want it to become solely a third-world religion?