WHEN it comes to celebrity trash talk, Joan Rivers and David Spade have nothing on Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. With his Hungarian accent and jumbo cigar, the canine puppet tosses around words like “hump” and “poop” to rile the likes of Jennifer Lopez, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Michael Jackson.
Triumph’s favorite catchphrase, “for me to poop on,” has assailed everyone from female dogs at the Westminster Dog Show to American Idol wannabes to “Star Wars” geeks. With a slot in “Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations,” it has officially entered the language.
At Jackson’s kiddie-fiddling trial, Triumph angered fans outside the courtroom by noting that “the only thing we know for sure that he molested was his nose.” He once told Lopez that sniffing her most famous asset would be “like climbing Everest.”
Triumph got his start in 1997 on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien,” when the rubber pooch said things like: “I think Eminem should relax. I mean, my mom’s a bitch, too, but I don’t sing songs about it.”
Since then, Triumph (who’s 63 in dog years) has been a Hollywood Squares regular, released a Grammy-nominated CD, fathered 284 illegitimate children and starred in Eminem’s “Ass Like That” video (the two have since mended their ways).
The creation of “Saturday Night Live” writer Robert Smigel, Triumph performs at Town Hall on Thursday as part of the New York Comedy Festival. We caught up with him just as a fetching Bichon Frise was slinking out of his dressing room.
Q: So what’s your gig going to be like at the festival?
A: There will be jokes, clips, songs, comedians, special guests – and I get to lick myself during intermission. There are 20 intermissions, by the way.
Q: Are you excited?
A: Let me check … No, not right now. It’s semi at best.
Q: What’ll you be talking about?
A: Probably the pros and cons of Germany embracing the conservative values of Angela Merkel instead of the socialist ideals of Gerhard Schroeder. Just kidding. Paris Hilton’s vagina.
Q: Is there anything off-limits, even for Triumph?
A: Well, I think one thing on everyone’s mind is the aftermath of America’s most recent natural disaster. But maybe it’s too soon to joke about Danny Bonaduce.
Q: How does it feel to be headlining with other comedians like Joy Behar and Andrew Dice Clay?
A: Don’t mention those two in the same breath. Dice is crude. Dice couldn’t carry Joy Behar’s jockstrap. [Funnily enough, Dice has since dropped out of the lineup.]
Q:Pamela Anderson just had a gay beach wedding for her two male dogs. Feelings?
A:I’m for that stuff. Look, if you don’t let gay men marry each other, who can they marry? I mean, they all can’t marry Liza Minnelli.
Q: Have you seen Eminem lately?
A: The guy’s obsessed. Wrote a song about me, put me in his video. He’s jealous because I’m black.
Q: Your CD “Come Poop With Me” earned a Grammy nomination. Will you be releasing a new record anytime soon?
A: I’m in negotiation with another label – to stop releasing Ashlee Simpson’s new CD.
Q: I just saw a clip of when you covered the Michael Jackson trial. You were hysterical. What did you do the day you heard he was innocent?
A: I was playing golf with O.J., actually. He was horrified.
Q: What’s the craziest fan mail letter you ever received?
A: Like all dogs, I’m illiterate. I don’t read fan mail – I read The Post.
Q: What music do you listen to?
A: I got to meet that wuss John Mayer at the Grammys. I keed, he’s terrific. I guarantee you’ll still be hearing Mayer’s songs 10 years from now . . . if you get in the right elevator.
Q: How do you feel about Paris Hilton abandoning her dog Tinkerbell because he got too big?
A: Paris Hilton never got rid of anything because it was too big. I keed. Seriously, I heard she got rid of him because he was threatening to release the tape they made.
Q: Is there anything else you would like to say to the New York Post?
A:Could you add a few more sports pages? There’s barely enough room for John Podhoretz’s photo.
THE SCORE
Breed – Rottweiler/ Afghan
Age – 63 ((in dog years)
Discovered – By “Late Night with Conan O ‘Brien” at the Westminster Dog Show in New York City, where he was ejected for lewd behavior
Marital status – Lives on the road,away from his wife, Emma,and mistress, Ladyfluff
Famous catchphrases – “For me to poop on” and “I keed.”