8/24/24
once again where did time go? some much happened and yet nothing happened. last month i was feeling manic over a bad spell of limerence until i realized it was just that and then as if the universe wanted to make sure i don't do anything stupid i caught covid and was stuck in bed for days while i should have been celebrating my birthday. i spent my birthday quarantining in my room and speedrunning 2020 lockdown by revisiting every hobby ever and feeling crazy. but i got to celebrate my birthday soon afterwards and thankfully by then i was healthy and normal and i had a good time. in fact i felt very loved by my friends, even though i'm still battling the feeling that it's more than i deserve. (i really should find a new therapist) then i saw my favorite kpop boy in concert - twice in fact, because i traveled to see his group at two different stops, because i am crazy grown and make my own money - and as manic as that was it was possibly the highlight of my year. for someone who usually gaslights away their emotions i was pleasantly surprised to find that i can still feel genuine albeit parasocial love. (dw though i would never be a stalker - i believe if i did anything that crossed the fan boundary that the parasocial contract would be broken and he wouldn't like me so i keep a healthy distance - in fact before the first concert he walked outside to say hi to fans and he was 5 feet away but i didn't rush him or scream his name because i'm not embarrassing like that lol) also the way the concert was so good i missed him for weeks and also had more trans thoughts than usual for weeks. that sums up july but i really don't know what happened for it to be almost the end of august already. i've been home a lot, or wanting to go home. i suspect it's depression and/or some mineral deficiency and/or my ongoing acclimation to the work life, but all of those sound still like a stretch to me. my mom says it's just aging, aka becoming a grumpy hag, aka prefrontal cortex fully developed, but i don't like that either because i don't feel any wiser and i never had my hot sexy twenties to justify the fastrak jump to grumpy hag. i just want to be liked and loved and have friends but i also don't want to go outside or talk to people. actually i don't know what i want, but maybe it's not about want and i actually just need therapy and iron and vitamin d. i need to figure out my new health insurance... anyways in the meantime if anyone needs anything from me i'll be home practicing bass and making amateur dj mixes, that's the hobby of the month special on the menu!