The Ospreys Are Bored and Circling Us for Practice
2024/07/20
A friend of mine called yesterday and told me he had the day off unexpectedly. His computer was no longer working because of some bad code that got sent out to half the planet. I laughed, thinking it was a joke. It wasn't a joke. ...
Best Human Blood
2024/07/16
Trying out some new stuff ...
The Ride Gets Fixed
2024/07/13
Last week, I got an email that I needed to bring the car in to get some maintenance done. Mandatory recall from the manufacturer. All work and parts free, according to the corporately-friendly email. ...
How I Think Season Four of “The Bear” Should Go
2024/07/11
So, now that "The Bear" has released its first truly polarizing season, I think it's time for Christopher Storer and co. to really throw us a curveball with season four and ...
Buying Chips for the Fourth of July
2024/07/06
I had to go to the grocery store this week to buy some chips for the Fourth of July. A work-friend was having a BBQ and I felt sort of obligated to go to it for a variety of reasons, but none of that matters. I said yes, he said, "Great! Can you bring a couple bags of chips?" ...
Around The Cup
2024/06/29
You're drinking from a plastic cup. Not disposable, not a Solo cup or anything. Isn't it weird how drinking from a Solo is like some weird American™ thing that other countries find kitschy? Like, someone bought a bag of 250 of these bad boys for six bucks, that's the only reason we're using them. We ...
Some Light Cement Work
2024/06/22
I got to the job first. Uncle Rich couldn't take the highway with the cement mixer, so he'd be probably another fifteen. I parked the pickup on the side of the road in front of the house, leaned all the way over to the other side and rolled down the passenger window in awkward, jerky movements. The ...
Talking things out
2024/06/15
A conversation between a medical professional and a guy who eats like a toddler. ...
The World's Largest Rubber Band Ball
2024/05/14
There's this giant rubber band ball at the end of my street. Literally, it's 50 feet tall. Some time in the like the 70's or something it was officially recognized as the world's largest rubber band ball, but then the next year some flyover state ended up building one that's like, I don't know, ...
Buying Too Many Books at a Used Book Sale in Cranford, NJ
2024/04/18
It was raining out. Started as a little bit of a mist when we hit the road, by the time we were circling the same four streets hoping for a parking spot to open up it was a decent rain. Enough that you'd be happy to have an umbrella with you. Neither of us had an umbrella. I hopped over a small ...
Through the Line
2024/01/06
I was on my computer playing a video game. Some kind of MMO that either looked a lot like Lord of the Rings or I somehow had a screen overlay that was literally playing Lord of the Rings with like a 50% opacity over whatever game I was playing. There was something Ringsy about it, either way. I was ...
On The Pile
2023/12/23
I met up with my two brothers last weekend. None of us had contacted one another, no one mentioned the ritual, yet there we all were waiting in our cars at the trailhead with stacks of wood in tow. ...
Topgolf Sucks
2023/12/16
We all know that I love golf in an abstract, spectator-only type of way. Golf television broadcasts are quiet meditative perfection, but playing golf itself is stupid and boring and lame. This is fact; it is not something to be debated. It is just a matter of growing to accept this truth of life. ...
Hard Truths About Life
2023/12/09
Life is hard, everyone knows that. Even little kids, still naive and relatively perfect little orbs of hope not yet punctured and misshapen from the world understand that life is hard, but they understand it because they don't get to eat ice cream for dinner while watching paw patrol on tv while ...
I've been trying to eat better lately. Very lately, like for three days. I've finally eaten through all the pie, and when I finally woke up from my necessary binge-recovery slumber, I realized I should improve my health. I also need to find a good divorce lawyer.
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I want pie, ice cold outta the fridge onto a plate and down the cavernous maw that is my mouth and esophagus and stomach bile. Some of you are already thinking to yourselves, "sure pie is great, but cold? Cold pie?" and to that I will not say anything other than "yes" as I hit the send button on my
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When I first started running: "If I can run 3 miles in less than 30 minutes I'd be so happy, so content. I could just do that a few times a week and I'd be set."
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The first dead deer was pushed over onto the sidewalk, a short trail of blood marking the posthumous path it took from the road. I came across the carcass during one of my runs and I hopped over it out of reflex. It was only after I hit the ground on the other side of the body and made it a few
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I’ve started sewing a lot recently.
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I bought an EV last week.
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The first few years I worked in an office, I was put into this sort of open pit of a cubicle with three other people. We were at the end of the cubicle alley and it was made from the leftovers of older cubes the company had lying around. They had too many people on the floor so they kinda just
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I'm running late for work but I'm feeling hungry so I mentally plan in another fifteen minutes to get some food on the way. I pull out my phone and open my smart outlet app, Smarter Life. I hit the button to open the garage door and turn on the garage lights. I go into my car and my phone pairs with
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Earlier this year I had a "knee problem" pop up. The term "knee problem" is code for "your knee has had 17 years of various ongoing problems and is fucked, dude." I went for a run one day and everything felt fine. A few hours after I was home and showered and eating toast or whatever, I realized my
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it appeared just like all my favorite ghosts do; it was just there one day. i didn’t step awkwardly into a divot, or run too fast to cross a street before a car smeared me into raspberry-blood jelly, or push myself up one-too-many stairs in the pursuit of finding strength that my body doesn’t
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Henrik's face was bloodied; his right eye swollen so badly that it was completely shut, his left eye just as swollen but somehow he could see out of it - or at least he was pretending he could. Henrik sat on the bench in the locker room, blood from his mouth, nose and eyes pooling below him onto the
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It's something like 9:00 at night and I'm at my childhood home running around piles of leaves that are stacked throughout our front and side yards, the crisp November air making my breath fog out of my mouth like a spazzy, out of shape dragon. I'm chubby but athletic, having played sports and
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"Comp' died." Jake said staring down at his coffee cup.
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