Say the Quiet Part Loud
As a leader, your words take on a special importance (duh). Your colleagues are listening. Hard. Even in groups that have built a lot of trust, the truth is it can be a lot of pressure. Your comments can be disruptive and they can be dissected. You may worry (reasonably) that the smallest misstep will come back to haunt you. Hard.
It can feel tough enough to speak confidently in everyday moments, much less when there’s trouble brewing:
The latest performance cycle created a lot of chatter. The team is shifting strategy again and there’s a lot of dissent. An unexpected colleague got that new manager role and not everyone is happy. The CEO’s recent comments were straight out of the Elon Musk over-confident, tone-deaf, sociopathic asshole playbook. The list goes on.
Whatever it is, your colleagues are talking about it. Heck everyone is talking about it. You’re wondering if you should say something to the team, and if so what you should say. You want to be leader-ly, but it feels like the floor is definitely lava, and you’re walking on a tightrope.
You may be tempted to keep quiet. But here’s the thing — as an executive, a manager, or an IC leader, if something is happening that everyone but you is talking about, you’re already making it worse.
So I suggest you internalize a simple truth. It may be uncomfortable, it may be awkward, but it’s a hallmark of effective leadership:
Great leaders say the quiet part loud. They openly acknowledge quiet concerns, what everyone is thinking. They’re pitch perfect in their response, and by doing that they build stronger, more impactful teams.
You’re not alone if this sounds scary. But just a few simple techniques will help you speak confidently no matter the situation.
Silence = Comfort
A lot of leaders I work with in my coaching practice find it uncomfortable to speak up, even when they know it’s the right thing to do. And it’s worth taking a second to unpack why that is.
Here’s an incomplete list of reasons for staying quiet that I’ve heard (and thought myself) throughout my career:
- I don’t really have any new information here. Bringing up the topic when I don’t have anything concrete to add isn’t going to help.
- I do have the inside story, but I’m not allowed to share anything. Withholding feels like lying, so I’d rather say nothing at all.
- HR (or my boss) told me not to say anything, so I’d better not.
- This topic is too awkward and uncomfortable. Bringing it up will just make it weird for everyone.
- What if I say something wrong and it makes the whole thing worse? The risk isn’t worth the reward.
- If I bring up a sore subject, it’ll just get everyone riled up again. I don’t want to manage all the frustration that I might create.
I think we should accept all these reasonable, human motivations for keeping quiet. Especially if you haven’t built a habit around speaking up, it’s easy to convince yourself that staying quiet is the right thing to do.
But before you’re swallowed by the luxurious, comfortable, over-stuffed beanbag chair of your silence, consider both the damage you’re doing and the opportunities you’re missing.
The Damage of Silence
I’ve worked with multiple C-Suite executives who acted as though communicating with the team wasn’t worth their time. Rather than a core part of the job, these Execs would show up only begrudgingly, half-heartedly. Especially when things got difficult, these people seemed to think their job was in the back room, not out front. Isn’t that convenient. I don’t think they ever understood how much damage they were doing.
Failing to show up, to speak up when your team is going through something dramatically weakens your position as a leader. When you’re not talking about the thing everyone is thinking about, your team may see you as out of touch, detached, oblivious. Staying quiet also paints you as callous — if you gave a crap about your team, you’d be talking about the thing that’s stressing everyone out. I’ve seen this ruin the reputation, the legitimacy, and therefore the efficacy of too many leaders.
Worst of all, perhaps, is what fills the space your silence leaves. At Airbnb, CEO Brian Chesky often said — “The absence of information is filled with dirt.” He couldn’t be more right. The rumor mill is a vicious thing. The elephant in the room will stomp you flat. If you ignore something that’s on everyone’s mind, you’re just giving it fuel. The momentum of a troublesome topic only accelerates, until it’s nearly impossible to stop the inevitable high-speed collision.
The Spoils of Speaking Up
Of course it isn’t just the damage of silence, it’s the missed opportunity of speaking. When you’re willing to say the quiet part loud — to give voice to the real concerns that so often go unspoken — so, so many good things can happen.
First, when colleagues see you confidently and tactfully talking about difficult topics, it builds your capacity as a leader. People see their own thoughts and voices reflected in yours, and that familiarity builds trust. It shows that you’re paying attention to what’s happening on the ground, and in-tune with the team’s concerns.
Second, when you publicly tackle everyone’s unspoken concerns, you’re hitting the release valve. For example, I remember coaching multiple leaders through awkward promotions. Your friend who used to be your peer is now your direct report. It’s weird. If you don’t talk about it, it’ll just get weirder. So my advice was always to make that honest admission in the first one-on-one:
Hey, I realize I’m your boss now, even though we came up on this team side-by-side. That might be weird for us. But it doesn’t have to be. Can we talk about that?
It might feel tough to say, but after a pause, an awkward laugh, and a deep exhale, I bet you’ll be on the path to a better partnership.
Third, your team will expect you to have the scoop, even if you don’t. Sharing what information you do have builds transparency and confidence. Admitting that you don’t know shit is just as transparent, and it shows humility.
And last, but certainly not least, simply creating the space to be open about team concerns builds the type of culture you want to have. It creates safe space for airing issues, for having open discussions, and sharing concerns with leadership. It builds a sense that we’re in this together.
These are not just feel-good moments — these are the foundations for effective, impactful teams. These are the underlying drivers of strong morale and high retention.
A Simple Playbook for Tough Moments
Hopefully you’re sold on the benefits, but that doesn’t make it easy. With best intentions, you may find yourself fulfilling all the dark fantasies that kept you from speaking up to begin with. But it doesn’t have to be hard. Over the years I developed a simple approach which you can use to feel confident saying the quiet part loud.
- Acknowledge what’s happening. Keep it factual. Hey — this thing is happening, and you may have heard about it. I’ve heard about it too. Let’s discuss. Just letting everyone know that you know, that you care goes a long way.
- Always speak for yourself. Avoid heresy or being a mouthpiece for others (ahem, your boss) at all costs. It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard, or who told you what. If you want to share your own POV on the topic, be authentic. Avoid canned speeches or talking points from HR. If you have information, share it. If you don’t, say so.
- Put the focus on the team. It turns out that what happened is usually way less important than how what happened is affecting everyone. Once you realize this, it can relieve a lot of the pressure. The topic itself might feel risky, but what it’s doing to everyone really isn’t. That’s your wheelhouse, and it should be your primary concern as a leader. (This, by the way, is how you get around your boss or HR telling you not to talk about it. You’re not. You’re talking about what it’s doing to your team.)
- Create a space for conversation. In the end, what you have to say is often less important than the tone you set, the space you create for everyone to discuss. Say less. Be curious. Ask people how they’re feeling. Let others speak. Perhaps pre-wire the conversation with trusted team members, so they can get the discussion started. Avoid the temptation to fill the space.
Practice Makes Perfect
Like so many things, this all sounds so much scarier when you haven’t done it. I’ve worked with many executives who have somehow avoided building healthy habits around saying the quiet part loud.
The trick is to flip the script. Actively seek out what’s on your colleagues minds. Ask yourself (and others) the question:
What’s the one thing that everyone in the org is talking about, maybe that they think leadership doesn’t know or care about?
That’s the quiet part. Instead of sweeping it under the rug or pretending it doesn’t exist, make it your default next step to bring it up with the team. Depending on the context, you may choose not to. But more often than not there will be a way to do it that’s productive.
Not only will it get easier each time, but you’ll quickly wonder how you were an effective leader before you started doing it.
I’m an executive coach — feel free to reach out! Send me an email at judd@onebigthought.com. I write about leadership, product, design, and management. Check out my newsletter One Big Thought. Sign up to get email updates here. And Remember that No One Has Any Idea What They’re Doing.
