Why is Vulnerability so Important in a Relationship?
The Bachelor has taught us it is important to open up. But why?
If you are a single woman in her early 30s and into trash TV like me, The Bachelor (alteratively The Bachelorette or Bachelor in Paradise) is a show you look forward to and tune into every Monday night. After some time, you become emotionally invested (wine is optional). The premise of ‘The Bachelor’ revolves around these beautiful women in their early 20s to mid 30s trying find love by competing for the attention of one supposedly perfect man. The problem with this show is not only that the man isn’t usually perfect (and the women are sometimes out of his league), as we’ve seen throughout the seasons, but also that maybe, pitting women against each other is not the healthiest way to find love. Of course, a handful, if not most of these individuals sign up for the show for fame, to increase their Instagram following, or brand deals. But the issue with the show’s concept is another story for another time. What I want to focus on is how quickly these individuals are expected to open up to a person they hardly know.
We’ve seen time and time again during the one-on-one dates with the bachelor or the bachelorette, that the contestants are expected to dig deep and talk about the loss of a loved one, or heavy physical, emotional, or mental hardships they’ve endured that shows vulnerability. If the contestant does not share this by the first, second, or sometimes third date, they don’t get a rose and get instead sent home.
The Bachelor is not the only show where we’ve seen the importance of vulnerability. In Netflix’s Love is Blind, Cole rejected Colleen on the basis that she didn’t want to open up to him. Colleen wasn’t comfortable with deep conversations, resulting in Cole pursuing Zanab instead since Colleen didn't have the “depth” he was looking for in a partner. Ultimately, it didn’t work out for Cole and Zanab, but it did for Colleen and Matt.
So why is vulnerability so seemingly important? According to VeryWellMind, vulnerability is a determining factor for a closer, deeper, and a more authentic bond with another person. It breaks down walls and keeps us honest with both ourselves and others. Vulnerability is an essential factor in every health relationship. Some might even say it is the backbone of a marriage.
Vulnerability is important for healthy, long-term relationships, marriage or not. When you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable, your partner will have a difficult time understanding what you want and they need from you. Does this mean that you have to disclose everything on national TV right away? No. Showing one’s vulnerable side takes time and it could be difficult for people to open up in this sense. It could very well take more than three dates to fully open up to someone. At least in real life. Both The Bachelor and Love is Blind revolve around condensed dating, and the final contestants are expected to walk away engaged (in Love is Blind, it ends in a wedding!). Competing for someone’s love in front of a million people sets a different timeline than us regular folks.
Now, we all want the person we are dating to be real and authentic. But it doesn’t mean that if someone chooses to not disclose something personal, that it would mean the end of the road for both parties involved. Relationships begin at a different pace for different people. People should not be pushed to express their deepest traumas, especially if it isn’t reciprocated.
At the end of the day, while vulnerability is important, it should not be expressed so early on that it makes people feel uncomfortable. Like all things in life, it comes with time. Opening up can feel scary and stressful and I hope that The Bachelor producers realize it’s unhealthy to bank on drama at the expense of the contestants’ mental health.
