The Illusion of Closeness: Understanding Enmeshment
Growing up, you couldn’t have told me that my family was toxic and dysfunctional. You probably couldn’t have said this to any onlookers either. By all appearances, we were just a close, tight-knit, loving family that had each other’s back. While this was true to a point, the level of “closeness” we shared was extreme, to say the least. In fact, as a young boy, I was forced to take on the role of surrogate husband to my mother due to her chronic illness and my father’s emotional absence. Looking back, I realize that my family was enmeshed, and it had devastating effects on my development as an adult male. In this blog post, I want to share a bit of my story and shed light on the damaging impact of enmeshment on young boys, in the hope of bringing more awareness to this toxic family dynamic.
So, What the Hell is Enmeshment?
Enmeshment is a type of dysfunctional family dynamic where boundaries between family members are blurred or non-existent. In enmeshed families, individuals can become overly involved in each other’s lives, leading to a lack of independence and individuality. This can result in a sense of obligation to one’s family, leading to feelings of guilt or anxiety when asserting one’s own needs or desires. Enmeshment can have a profound impact on the development of children, particularly young boys who may be forced into the role of a surrogate spouse or emotional caretaker, like I was. More on that in a moment.
How Does Enmeshment Happen?
Enmeshment can manifest in a family for a variety of reasons. In some cases, it may be due to a parent’s own unresolved emotional issues, leading them to seek emotional fulfillment from their children. In other cases, it may be due to a parent’s chronic illness or addiction, causing the child to take on a caretaker role. Enmeshment can also occur when a parent is emotionally absent or neglectful, leaving the child to seek emotional support from other family members. Whatever the cause, enmeshment can have lasting adverse effects on a child’s development, leading to a lack of boundaries and individuality.
Growing Up “Enmeshed”
I was born and raised in a two-parent household, which is more than a lot of people can say these days. However, my parent’s marriage was, of course, far from perfect. Much of the stress and strain that existed in my parent’s relationship was caused by two factors: my father’s alcoholism and my mother’s Sickle Cell disease.
If you’re unfamiliar with what Sickle Cell Anemia is, it is a genetic blood disorder that affects the shape and function of red blood cells. People with this condition have abnormal hemoglobin molecules in their red blood cells, which can cause them to become stiff and sickle-shaped. This can lead to a variety of serious health problems, including extreme pain, fatigue, infections, and organ damage.
My mother was born with this terrible illness and suffered with it for her entire life. It was so severe that when I was twelve, she lost her ability to walk. From that day forward, she was bound to a wheelchair and my brother and I became her full-time caretakers. Then, there was my father.
My father was an extremely hard worker and a great provider, often working 12 and 16-hour days. Because of his strong work ethic, we never wanted for anything. We weren’t rich by any means, but my brother and I never experienced any material lack. Unfortunately, my dad struggled badly with alcohol. He was also emotionally unavailable, and once my brother and I reached a certain age, he had basically “checked out” when it came to assisting with our mother’s care.
My mother was a very emotional and affectionate woman, and she longed for a certain level of intimacy and connection with my father that he never reciprocated. To be fair, my father didn’t come from an emotionally available family himself. And so, it stands to reason that perhaps he wasn’t very affectionate with my mother because of this.
Regardless of the reason, the lack of intimacy in their marriage left a huge void in my mother. This in combination with the daily battles with her Sickle Cell disease caused her to reach for the next closest source of masculine connection — her sons.
My brother and I provided her with the intimacy, closeness, and companionship that she could never hope to get from our father. Thus, the enmeshment commenced. And I was particularly vulnerable to the enmeshment because I was the oldest. I was the one that was saddled with more responsibility and so, in many instances, I was forced to assume duties and roles that I wasn’t mentally, emotionally or spiritually prepared for.
This caused me to become SEVERELY traumatized as my mind and nervous system were exposed to situations that neither could process effectively. On top of all this, my brother and I were homeschooled. I don’t say that to imply that there’s something wrong with homeschooling, but this was something else that kept me and my brother immersed in an unhealthy home environment.
Why were we homeschooled? More on that in another post. For right now, I’ll just say our parents had some pretty compelling reasons for removing us from the education system.
Being a caretaker became my primary purpose and function. It completely took over my identity and over the years, I completely lost touch with who the hell I was — a common byproduct of enmeshment. I was responsible for helping my mother get dressed in the morning, undressed before bed, emptying her bedpan (she couldn’t use a regular toilet) cooking her food, cleaning the house, grocery shopping as well as taking her to doctor’s appointments and family events.
I basically became my mother’s arms and legs. At times, I was also her eyes, ears and mouthpiece when she became too sick to do these things for herself. I literally had no identity outside of being my mother’s “Good Son.”
On one hand, I got a lot of praise from family and friends for being so devoted to my mother. On the other hand, I felt smothered and like I was being suffocated — and I was! However, I couldn’t express these feelings! Why not? Fear, guilt and shame.
Fear, Guilt and Toxic Shame
As someone who was raised in an enmeshed family, I can attest to the fact that fear, guilt, and toxic shame are some of the most common emotions that enmeshed children experience. Fear often comes from the knowledge that if you don’t fulfill your role as the surrogate spouse or caretaker, your family will fall apart. You become the glue that holds the family together, and the thought of what would happen if you weren’t there to do your job is terrifying.
Guilt is another emotion that enmeshed children experience, often as a result of feeling like they’re not doing enough for their family. Even when you’re doing everything you can to help, it never feels like enough. You constantly feel like you’re falling short, which leads to a deep sense of guilt.
Finally, there’s toxic shame. This is the belief that there’s something inherently wrong with you and that you’re responsible for the dysfunction in your family. Enmeshed children often feel like they’re the problem, that if they were just better somehow, their family would be happy and healthy. This toxic shame can follow you into adulthood, impacting your relationships and your ability to form healthy connections with others.
I have felt all three of these negative emotions. In fact, I still struggle with them to this day as a result of many years of deep trauma and reinforcement of destructive behavior patterns. Is there a possibility of redemption? That’s what I’m trying to find out.
The Aftermath
Growing up in an enmeshed family household has left me struggling in every aspect of my life. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, I feel like I’m constantly fighting an uphill battle. I’ve lost touch with who I am as a person and what truly makes me happy. My deepest desires and passions are buried deep within me, and it feels impossible to uncover them.
Commitment is a foreign concept to me, both personally and professionally. It’s hard to commit to anything when you’ve grown up in an environment where boundaries were non-existent. Isolation has become my norm, and I have very few friends. Even dating feels like an impossible task.
Food addiction, obesity, and Type 2 Diabetes are constant struggles for me. Growing up, food was used as a coping mechanism for the dysfunction in my family. Now, it’s a crutch that’s hard to let go of. The feelings of powerlessness that come with being enmeshed are still present in my life today. It’s hard to feel like you have control over anything when you’ve never been taught how to set healthy boundaries.
Every day is a battle, but I’m trying my best to heal from the wounds of my past. It’s not easy, but I’m determined to break the cycle and create a better future for myself.
The Road to Recovery
Growing up in an enmeshed family has left me with scars that are hard to heal. Even after all these years, I still struggle with the toxic emotions that were ingrained in me during my childhood. However, I’m determined to heal these wounds (as much as I can) and I’m on the road to recovery.
I have to admit, however, that so far, this journey has been ANYTHING but easy. It’s a long and hard road that requires a lot of self-reflection and introspection. It’s about breaking the patterns that were set in my childhood and learning to redefine what healthy relationships look like.
One of the biggest challenges I face is learning to set boundaries. For so long, I was conditioned to put the needs of others before my own. I was taught that my worth was tied to how much I could do for others. Even today, I still struggle immensely with this paradigm.
In principle, I understand that this is not a healthy way to live and I’m working on setting boundaries that are necessary for my well-being. But as I’ve already stated, changing life-long habits and patterns of behavior can be a bitch.
Another challenge is learning to let go of the guilt and toxic shame that I’ve carried with me for so long. It’s not easy to undo years of conditioning, but I’m taking it one day at a time. I’m slowly learning to be kinder to myself and to understand that I wasn’t responsible for the dysfunction in my family.
The road to recovery is not a straight line. There are many ups and downs, and sometimes it feels like two steps forward, then ten steps backward. But I’m committed to this healing journey because I want to experience life on “the other side of the fence.”
I want to experience joy, health, happiness and satisfying relationships the same as all of us. I want to swing the pendulum in the complete opposite direction of where it’s been stuck for most of my life. All that being said, one purpose of this blog is to share at least some of my story and initiate the process of connecting with others.
Final Thoughts
We must raise awareness about the seriousness of enmeshment. If you’re a parent, it’s important to be aware of the boundaries between yourself and your child, and to make sure that your child is free to be their own person, rather than being forced into a role they’re not ready for. If you were an enmeshed child, and you’re currently struggling with the debilitating after-effects, know that you’re not alone and that it’s possible to break free from the cycle of dysfunction and toxic emotions.
Enmeshment is a real problem, and it’s imperative that we take it seriously and spark a substantive conversation. Recovery is possible, but it takes time and effort (as I’m finding out for myself). If you happen to be on this journey too, remember to just take it one day at a time. Also, remember you can write me at: rlmartin078@gmail.com.
Take care,
R. L. Martin
