name: lu
pronouns: she/her
birthday: march 14
location: california/the internet
stars: pisces cancer scorpio (why yes as a matter of fact i do cry all the time)
interests: music, science, justice, animals, shapes, feelings, and well-placed lisa simpson quotes

neocities profile // lulu in cyberspace

dear dumb diary,

today was weird and long.

i woke up early. for me. so like, before noon. (small wins.) rearranging my room so i actually get sunlight was a good move, as was taking my meds before midnight.

anyway, i woke up in a decent mood and fed my cats and then i got a notification on my ~portable communication device~

i'm in this v chill server w/ other people who make fun sites ("old web" style i guess). uhh without getting into it, someone i don't even know ran a page on my site thru a validator and started telling me my html was shit.

i did something very out of character and actually stood up for myself. but that felt Bad and i was so ashamed of myself that i was ready to, like, leave the server. but then a bunch of other members stood up for me, and it was so... well, validating tbh.

i generally have a pretty shit opinion of myself and i guess it's nice to be reminded that not everyone is as critical of me as i am of myself (that sentence feels sloppy, but i'm not like submitting my journal entry to a fuckin professor)

uhh then i went outside to get some air and had to deal with some SHIT that i don't even wanna rehash here. just.. some asshole on the road decided to terrorize me on the interstate and it worked cuz i was terrified. i had a fuckin panic attack and had to call my brother to like meet me somewhere.

even tho it was hours later when i drove home, i was looking over my shoulder the whole time.

but then i hopped on my computer and saw that ppl in the server i mentioned earlier had said really really really nice fucking things about me, so the happy feelings kinda outweighed the spooky ones.

i guess the moral of the story is i need to live online and never go outside again

planned:

• write about my current state of being, use less words to say more, fit in this space
  

happened:

• wrote for five paragraphs about my gen's parents not having the internet to fact check shit they told us as little kids and how it's ok to not know the answers right away.
• started journal entry. thought of a project. began for notes related to a project.
• found half finished list of reasons i love hank hill. added to list. thought of a funny scenario involving hank, willie nelson and bernie sanders.
• accidentally spent two hours writing king of the hill fan fiction.
• realized i didn't finish my journal entry. wanted to upload page before bed. decided that this will have to do.

_february 14, 2021. i found a use for my neocities account, yay. this is mostly going to be journal/space for css & graphic experiments and actual writing about "real stuff". including but not limited to mental health, because for some reason its hard for me to be open in other places. even though i ~understand~ stigma, and know the only way to end it is to normalize talking about it.. idk, its personal. there's a level of anonymity on neocities that i can cloak myself with. i mean, i'm not going to hide this page. i'll probably bury a link to it somewhere on my personal site. but i figure if someone who knows me irl digs this up, i'm not too concerned. i just don't feel like advertising my feelings. "the defining traumas of my life", wedged between my links page and my ira glass shrine... i'm good