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sometimes you just wanna eat a cupcake without breaking a rule or getting accosted

Summary:

riddle: i think the firsties are up to something

leona: prob tryna avoid ur puny ass

vil: leona do u want to decorate my floor

idia: wtf why are u normies online

kalim: hi!!!!

user malleus is offline.
user azul is offline.

---

Sometimes, you just have to create a full blown counter-intelligence scheme to make sure your wayward young ones don't blow up the world by accident because they wanted popcorn.

Notes:

This is such an old fic that I decided to post because I recently redownloaded this godforsaken game and Yana has my frontal lobe in a headlock.

Please enjoy copious shenanigans from both ends ft. Leona and Kalim rolling nat 1s on stealth, Azul and Idia competing for Worst Fitness, another octatrio! and an actually insane Yuu who's so tired of being responsible they bent backwards into being the chaotic neutral they were meant to be.

Also! OCs galore in this fic bc there's definitely a giant first-year compendium that forms after Book 3 where these kiddos worship Yuu from afar and then find out they're just stupid and very lucky.

Chapter 1: local lion terrorizes community with propriety

Summary:

Leona fails stealth and the Firsties gather their goods. Riddle malfunctions and Professor Crewel threatens death by embarrassment (via collar). Also, please welcome to the stage Yuu! with no self preservation at all.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Ruggie, in all his two years of self-appointed and approved Leona-tending, could count on exactly three fingers how many times he had seen the overgrown housecat leave the dorm of his own volition and attend classes, of which all three were mainly to avoid “annoying little runts” (read: adorably loving nephews). So, forgive him for standing halfway down the sprawling staircase in the center of the Savanaclaw common room and gaping at the lion not only carrying schoolbooks but wearing his full uniform? It was enough to send Ruggie into cardiac arrest, or worse, altruistic concern.

 

Thankfully, Jack seemed to notice his distress like a superhero in wolf’s clothing and snapped him back to attention.

 

“Uh, Ruggie-senpai? Not that it’s any bother to me, but Shardul has been trying his best to get down the stairs for about… five minutes now, and we’re both already running late for a quick prep session with the Prefect before today’s rumored alchemy pop quiz.”

 

If Ruggie were of sounder mind at that moment, it would’ve occurred to him that Jack Howl from class B and Shardul Khan from class C shouldn’t have had alchemy together at all, but unfortunately his poor frontal lobe was juggling three well-dressed Leona-shaped pins and couldn’t dedicate any brainpower to squinting in scrutiny at oddly level-headed freshies. He instead opted to wordlessly slide aside, allowing the slender tiger Therianthrope to slip past him, and pad down the stairs with all the agility of a brick doing parkour (he absolutely did not stumble into the railing and have to right himself by gripping the banister and sliding down onto a cushion formed by his traitorously quivering tail).

 

With one more cursory glance thrown towards his vice housewarden (who looked one step closer to bedlam with every breath), Jack scruffily grabbed Shardul by the back of his uniform jacket and practically dragged the two of them out of the dorm, lest they catch whatever illness had befallen their beloved dorm heads.

 

Leona, blissfully unaware of the war he had started in poor Ruggie’s deflated balloon of a cerebrum, sauntered out behind the two freshmen, armed with a paltry selection of entirely mismatched textbooks and what looked like eight slices of salami rolled into one big cold cut burrito dangling out of his mouth. Putting on his best “Rook Hunt” face, he tailed his targets out of the Mirror to the main atrium of the school, ducking inconspicuously behind a pillar and being as camouflaged as a fully uniformed Leona could be.

 

The simpering starry-eyed freshie cubs that were Jack Howl and Shardul Khan weren’t lying about meeting the Prefect, but whatever was being handed off in a backpack that absolutely dwarfed the herbivore could not have been about alchemy. His nose twitched with the familiarity of ink and clean potion bottles, and yet under all of that was the smell of… root beer? And was that… powdered cheese flavoring? Suddenly he was unsure of his convictions; maybe Crewel became a good Samaritan overnight and decided to make seasonings instead of potions.

 

Across the hall, Yuu hauled the backpack onto their back with little ease, giving into Jack’s ministrations with a weary huff. The aid gave their eyes time to wander, where they locked onto a suspiciously scattered trail of salami on the ground that ended near the only pillar in the atrium that had magically grown a tail. For a predatory animal, he is so incredibly obvious.

 

“We better disperse, I think we’re being tailed. We’ll meet at Ramshackle tonight as planned. You know that we absolutely cannot let anyone find out about this, or else there will be dire consequences, and I’m talking truly fatal.”

 

For all their fresh-faced naiveté, Leona had to give the cubs some credit as they nodded, graven and serious. From what his impeccable ears had absolutely not strained to hear, it seemed he might need to do some impromptu patrolling at Ramshackle, purely for his own amusement of course. He reached up to his mouth to take another bite only to find a pathetic empty fist where there should’ve been another salami burrito. Shit, time to go find Ruggie, and some breakfast.

 

Housewarden Group Chat

           

smths up w the freshies

ive never seen jack this eager to do group studying even when hes been offered money for it

… not that i care ofc

just fgiured i wld say smth b4 one of u selfrighteous fucks decided to snoop and getme involved

           

Vil Schoenheit:

Leona-san, would it kill you to use spellcheck every now and then?

Your texts are barely comprehensible, and reproachfully so.

It’s quite unbecoming of you as the housewarden of Savanaclaw.

 

stfu musical theater enjoyer

did i ask 4 an opinion frm the peanut gallery

go talk to a miror or wtv

 

Vil Schoenheit:

That travesty aside, I do believe something is happening among the first years.

Epel has been perfectly courteous these past few days, almost without fail.

It sounds wholly choreographed, almost as though he wants me to pay as little attention to him as possible.

Unfortunately for him, I am nothing if not attentive.

I shall attempt to extract further information once classes have ended for the day.

 

aight

peace


A whip crack sounded loud and sharp across his desk as Riddle flinched violently, drawn abruptly from his concerned musings by an equally concerned looking Professor Crewel.

 

“Must I send you to the infirmary, Mr. Rosehearts? Don’t make me repeat myself a third time, now.” The professor’s brows were furrowed in irritation and his grip on the whip tightened as Riddle swallowed nervously and shook his head slightly.

 

“Well, now that I finally have your attention, I wanted to commend you for your work on this week’s lab exercise, but don’t let that get to your head. The next time I catch your attention wandering in front of a cauldron it’ll be your neck that gets collared, naughty boy.”

 

“Y-yes, Professor.”

 

“That’s Master to you, boy. Now out with you, I’d like to enjoy my lunch without the incessant yapping of all you pups.”

 

With whatever little strength was left in his arms, Riddle scrambled to gather his books and stumbled out the door with a lack of grace unlike the composed Heartslabyul housewarden. Trey stood waiting outside the doorway, facial features marred with equal concern and intrigue.

 

With a dry mouth, Riddle turned to the taller boy, eyes fixated on the small clover painted on his cheek. “Have you seen Ace or Deuce at all today?”

 

Trey’s brows furrowed in concentration. “Not after breakfast, no. I did a routine tooth check with as much precision as I could, given all their squirming. Although, come to think of it, neither of them could stand still at all, even through breakfast. Ace does get his coffee jitters often, but I’ve never seen Deuce look so uneasy, like he was constantly watching over his shoulder for something.”

 

Having heard enough, Riddle turned sharply on his raised heel, powerwalking towards the mirror hall with a speed even Trey had trouble keeping up with. He had already begun reaching for his cell phone with one hand, juggling his books into his other arm skillfully.

 

“Hey, Riddle, wait, what’s the rush? Riddle? Riddle!”

 

At the far end of the corridor, a worried Deuce nudged his elbow into his companion’s side like a javelin on autopilot until Ace firmly grabbed him and twisted him around.

 

“Dude, I’m standing right here, I can also see him, don’t worry. All we gotta do is hand these off to Yuu-kun and then we can run back to lunch like nothing happened. Chill out.” The false bravado in Ace’s voice counteracted the audible sigh of relief he let out when his housewarden’s eyes skipped entirely over their corner of the hall.

 

With no warning, a breathless Yuu barreled into his side, and all three of them tumbled like bowling pins and crashed into a pile of limbs against the wall.

 

“Shit, sorry dude, I—”

 

“SHHHH!!” Ace clamped a hand over the Prefect’s mouth and dragged them behind him before furiously pointing and whispering, “Dorm Head Riddle is right. there. Do you want to get caught this close?” Yuu shook their head as violently as they could under Ace’s iron grip.

 

Without another word, Deuce pulled three paper-wrapped packages from inside his backpack, unzipping the backpack on Yuu’s back and stuffing them inside with as much discretion as possible (with how quiet that hall was it was like trying to open a bag of chips in a bathroom). Safely settled back in place and free from Ace’s sweaty hand, Yuu wiped their mouth once before saluting the card duo and sprinting down the hall as surreptitiously as they could with a metric ton of contraband on their back.

 

Trey’s watchful eyes took in the entire exchange, and yet he did nothing but smile and shake his head. There was an Unbirthday party to prep for in only three days; this was going to have to be Riddle’s problem to solve.

 

Housewarden Group Chat

 

It is as you suspected, Leona-senpai.

Ace and Deuce have been on edge all day.

I shall inquire with Azul-san promptly, and if this pattern continues, I believe it is our responsibility as dorm heads to assure the safety and well-being of our juniors.

 

kingscholar:

ok so basically im done then right

i dnt have to bother w this anymore

bc its naptime and im tired

 

Vil Schoenheit:

Leona-san, for once in your life please take things seriously.

No dorm leader is exempt from their duties, and it is our responsibility to keep everyone safe.

I suppose we should meet after classes and brainstorm a solution?

 

I agree, Vil-senpai.

We cannot sit idly by if there is some threat.

Even if not, when Ace and Deuce are involved, chances are that something will go wrong.

 

kingscholar:

alr fine, wtv

if we dont decide in 15 min im

ditching to take a nap tho

Notes:

Featured OC: Shardul Khan
- i based him on Shere Khan from the Jungle Book bc i wanted a little pal for Jack and he definitely would need some coercion to scheme
- as mentioned, hes a tiger therianthrope! i like to imagine hes quite meek compared to the actual Shere Khan as of rn, but he grows into a bit of arrogance later
- this boy would absolutely swoop in to take housewarden provided leona fucking graduates someday what a loser (affectionate)